Calcio Comedy: 20 Things To Expect From Italy v England
It's Italy v England in the Champions League last 16 as Juventus take on Chelsea, Roma meet Arsenal and Inter play Manchester United. Here are 20 things to expect before, during or after the Anglo-Italian ties…
1) Cristiano Ronaldo says that he is better than Pele and Diego Maradona, and compares himself to God.
2) Jose Mourinho bangs on beforehand about how his Chelsea side were better than United, and that his record against Fergie is Won 6, Drawn 4, Lost 1.
3) Sir Alex Ferguson will use the words “No doubt about it” at least 100 times, while he will mention during an interview with SKY Italia about how good Luciano Spalletti’s wine is.
4) Wayne Rooney does a Zinedine Zidane and headbutts Marco Materazzi in the chest after the Italian snipes that he would “rather NOT have Rooney’s mum”.
5) Mourinho runs down the Old Trafford touchline to celebrate a last minute goal that puts Inter into the next round.
6) Ferguson engages in a furious touchline row with Mourinho over the award of a throw-in, and lobs his chewing gum onto the pitch in disgust.
7) Manchester United fans sing “same old I-Ti’s, always cheating”, even though Inter don’t have a single Italian in their team.
8) Claudio Ranieri laughs hysterically during both of his pre-match interviews in the tie against former club Chelsea.
9) Ranieri gets a better reception at Stamford Bridge from the Chelsea fans than Luiz Felipe Scolari.
10) English commentators tut-tut about Italian diving shortly before Didier Drogba goes down like he's caught the plague.
11) Momo Sissoko to have the best pass completion rate...for Chelsea. “Camoranesi... Nedved... Del Piero, back to Nedved, now Sissoko, oh he's played it straight to Deco!! Deco, Lampaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard GOAL! Chelsea lead!"
12) Lampard is credited with the goal by UEFA, despite the fact the ball took eight deflections, and travelled to and from Timbuktu, on its way into the net.
13) Phil Thompson, Graeme Souness, and a number of other SKY Sports pundits bash the Italian league at every opportunity, and label it an “old, slow, retirement home”, while repeatedly championing the Premier League as the “best league in the world”.
14) Souness says he would never have the over-rated Francesco Totti or Zlatan Ibrahimovic in his team (if he was a manager).
15) Italian media pundits jealously declare that the only reason the Premier League is so strong is because of foreign owners, managers and players.
16) In the build-up to Arsenal-Roma, both will be described as attractive, passing sides who play good football, but whoever loses the tie will be condemned as being 'in crisis.'
17) There will be serious crowd trouble inside and outside the Stadio Olimpico. English fans smash up a number of local bars. Italian fans attack their adversaries while riding around on mopeds.
18) The English media blame 19th century Italian policing for the trouble.
19) The Italian media blame 19-times over-the-drink-limit English fans for the trouble.
20) Whichever country comes out on top in the three-round contest will declare that they have the best league in the world.